I gave her all that my little teenage self could give her. I cut people out of my life to keep her safe. I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy, including spending a great deal of my meager income to pay for medical care. I sacrificed my body, that will never be the same. I found her a home that could give her the stability I couldn’t. It crushed me. But I would make these sacrifices over and over again if I had to, because I love her.

I love her with a ferocity that no one but a mama bear can understand. I made the decision to place in order to protect her. Because I have an open adoption, I will always be a part of her life, and you can bet that I will always watch over her. I will do everything I can to to help her through every question she has about her story, every boy who breaks her heart, every failure, every pain that she may feel. I sacrificed my own wants to give her a better shot at happiness. I would die for her. 

Everything I do is for her. I give my all every day to be a good role model. That meant I had to change my whole life around. It was tough, but I did it anyway. I want to show her that no matter what, she can do hard things. Since giving birth to her as a teen, I have fought through the grief and postpartum depression and gone on to college. I am almost finished with my undergraduate and will complete my master’s degree shortly thereafter. I have had to be strong and fight through hard times. She is my inspiration. All I want is to make her proud.

No matter what happens, I will love her. Even when I marry and have children that I parent, I will love her. Even if I move far away, I’ll find a way to see her because I love her. Even if she desires less contact as she grows older, I will love her from a distance. Even though countless people believe that I abandoned her, I know that I placed because I love her.

I loved every moment of my pregnancy, it was such a privilege to carry her beautiful soul. She brought to my life a new level of love that I had never known before, and now I can share that love with those around me. From the time when she was just two pink lines on a stick, to the precocious little girl she is now, I have loved her. I always will. No matter what.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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1. Bittersweet Feelings

The hurt from placing little R will never go away completely. Nothing can change the fact that placing was a huge loss for me. It broke my heart into a million pieces, and I miss her every day. But I know I did the right thing for her. I am lucky to have a wonderful open adoption, so I get to see her thriving and happy. The love I feel for her and the happiness I feel every time I get to hug her and play with her far outweighs the hurt.

2. Perspective

My adoption journey totally changed my perspective on life. Placing meant a total paradigm shift. It wasn’t about me anymore. Everything I did became about doing the right thing for my unborn baby, not myself. Ever since then, I have been able to be much less self-centered than I once was. I spend much more time thinking about others, and less time thinking about myself. I’ve never been happier. I believe that I have become a much more loving, giving person because of the choice I made to place little R for adoption. 

3. Empathy

Because my story is so complicated, and because I have been through so much pain, I can connect with others in a way I never could before. I can more easily relate to people feeling all types of grief, and I know how to help them better. I can form very deep relationships with others because I can truly empathize and love them.

4. Fear

I can form great relationships, but sometimes it takes me a while to get there. I love little R with all my heart, and I lost her. It was my choice, but it was still a loss. Sometimes I get scared to let people in. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and I don’t ever want to hurt like I did the day I said goodbye to my baby. Loving and trusting takes more time than it used to.

5. Strength

If I can get through the way people treat me because I got pregnant as a teen, the physical pain of labor and delivery, and the emotional anguish that comes with saying goodbye to your baby, I can do anything. I did everything I could for her, and I’m proud of that. It took a lot for me to find the strength to give her what she needed. Now I am able to use that strength to make my life, and the lives of others, better.

Placing my child for adoption was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was also the best thing I’ve ever done. Despite all of the hardship, I wouldn’t trade my experience for the world. My life is so different than it was before. I am so much stronger and more mature than I once was. Placing has changed my life for the better.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post Things That Are Different After Placing Your Child for Adoption appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

It’s challenging to gather large amounts of data on birth mothers because there isn’t a central source collecting date like a census. Most research is limited and offers a small group of participants. So, even though there aren’t often exact statistics available, we do know a few things based mostly on anecdotal evidence that can break stereotypes about birth parents, specifically birth mothers.

1. Stereotype: Birth mothers are teenagers. 

Fact: Despite what Lifetime movies want us to believe, not all birth moms are teenagers. In fact, most birth moms are between the ages of 25-35 years old. The older an expectant mother, the more likely she is to make an adoption plan. Younger expectant moms tend to romanticize motherhood.

2. Stereotype: Birth mothers are women of color.

Fact: In a very limited study, 57% of birth mothers were Caucasian, followed by 22% Hispanic, 14% Biracial, and 7% African American. This suggests that adoption knows no racial bounds. 

3. Stereotype: Birth mothers are uneducated. 

Fact: In the same study referenced above, the opposite proves true! More than half of birth mothers reported having some college or an Associate’s degree. This is because birth mothers have higher aspirational goals and are more likely to finish school than mothers who choose to parent their children.

4. Stereotype: Birth mothers are drug users.

Fact: While it’s true that some birth mothers may struggle with addiction, it is most often financial or emotional reasons that cause birth mothers to make an adoption plan. Other external struggles such as homelessness and no partner support may also contribute. There is no one reason why birth mothers choose adoption; it’s a very personal decision.

I’m sure there are many more stereotypes about birth mothers, but the reality is they are all individuals with different circumstances, backgrounds, hopes, and dreams. When you meet a birth mother, I encourage you to keep an open mind and refrain from making snap judgements. Treat her with the respect she deserves and admire her bravery.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY and speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can. 

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1. Meeting My Daughter

When I delivered little R, she wasn’t my birth daughter yet. Until I signed the adoption papers, she was just my daughter. When they placed her on my chest right after delivery, I learned what a mother’s love feels like. I didn’t know I could love anyone so deeply and unconditionally. That red, wrinkly, screaming baby girl had my heart, and she always will.

2. Relinquishing My Rights

Two days after I delivered, I signed papers that terminated my parental rights. The wording was cruel, legal, and without emotion. How could I sign a piece of paper saying that I no longer had any interest in the custody of my child? I placed because I had all the interest in the world. My heart was torn out with the stroke of a pen. 

3. Placement

When I placed little R into the arms of her new mother, I was experienced incomprehensible emotions. On one hand, I was overjoyed for this beautiful family that I helped to create. Her new parents were so happy, they had wished for so long to be parents. On the other hand, I hurt for me. Their gain was my loss, and feeling all those emotions at once was completely overwhelming. 

4. Christmas

Things were hard for a long time after I delivered and placed my birth daughter. Some days I still don’t know how I manage the grief. But there are bright, shining moments in my adoption journey that make everything worth it. Last Christmas I was able to visit little R and her family. She is old enough now to remember me, and we have formed a beautiful friendship. She ran to me, asking to be held. We played together all evening with the paper dolls I made her. We shared cheesecake and snuggled and laughed. I saw how much she was loved by her parents and older brother. I know she is where she was meant to be, and I am so blessed to be a part of their family.

Adoption has shattered me in the most exquisite way. The deep pain coupled with immense joy is quite often more than I can process. But it’s worth it. I wouldn’t change the joy–or the grief. It has made me who I am today, and I will forever be grateful for this experience.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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Your pregnancy is not shameful.

People will act like your pregnancy should be a secret. They will shame you, talk badly behind your back, and to your face. Sure, maybe you didn’t make the most responsible choices leading up to your pregnancy. But the baby, in and of themselves, is nothing to be ashamed of. Children are something to be celebrated, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t a true friend.

Placing will not make you a bad mom.

When I first became pregnant, I was dead set on parenting. I didn’t want anyone to tell me I couldn’t do it. I was going to be the best mom ever, I didn’t care how young I was. Eventually, I had to consider my circumstances. I didn’t have an education or a steady income, I didn’t have a stable relationship with the birth father, and I hadn’t finished growing up. Those things did NOT make me a bad mom. In my situation, being a good mom meant finding her someone who could give her all the things I couldn’t. It was my circumstances, not who I was as a person, that made placing the right choice for me. 

This is YOUR choice.

The decision to place or parent your child is yours alone. Not your parents, not your friends, not any potential adoptive parents. You are the only one who can truly know what is best for you and your baby. If you place (or parent) just because you feel pressured, you will regret it. Do what you feel good about, regardless of what anyone else says.

It won’t be easy.

Placing my baby for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her with all my heart, and I miss her every day. I couldn’t just place her and forget about her. I struggled with grief for a very long time, and I think I always will to some extent. With unplanned pregnancy, any choice you make will be hard. There’s no easy way out of this one.

It will be okay.

Did placing hurt? Yes. But did it break me? No. Placing my baby for adoption made me strong. I am blessed to have lots of contact with her and her family, and that makes me happy. I am now in my third year of college, and I’m doing well. I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I’m successful. It turned out okay for me, and it will for you too.

If you think adoption might be the best thing for your baby, do it. You are a good parent for doing what you believe to be right for your child, no matter what anyone else says. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me, because I did it–and you can too.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

The post What I Want to Tell Teens Contemplating Adoption appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

1. Pregnancy Resource Center

A pregnancy resource center may be your first stop upon discovering that you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. A trained clinician will be able to offer you a free pregnancy test. A counselor there will listen to your specific needs and will be able to connect you to resources that are available in your area according to your unique situation.

2. Health Care Provider

In addition to offering medical attention that is free and/or budgeted in a way that suits your income level, there are health care providers that can offer specially trained staff that can refer you to adoption agencies or other resources in your area. The staff at a place like this may discuss all the options available with a neutral disposition for one choice or the other. They respect that your choice is very personal for your individual circumstance.

3. WIC

Women, Infants, and Children is a federal program that provides support such as supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk.

4. TANF

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families is also a federal program that will provide support for a pregnant woman in the form of food, shelter, utilities, and expenses other than medical. 

5. Birthmom Buds

One of the most important things you may need as a birth mom is a strong chain of support through people who have gone through similar circumstances. Birthmom Buds is a faith-based organization which will pair participants with another birth mom to share and receive support. If participants choose to attend, Birthmom Buds hosts an annual weekend retreat for participants to relax and enjoy time with one another. Birthmom Buds also sends new birth moms a beautiful care package at the time of adoption as a gesture to help during that emotionally trying time.

6. OYFF

From their website: “On Your Feet Foundation was founded in 2001 by adoptive parents, adoption professionals, and a birth parent who recognized the need for practical help for women who had chosen adoption for their child. “We are a small, nonprofit 501c3 organization that provides personal support to birthparents to help them get ‘back on their feet.’” OYFF offers case management and monetary support to birth parents living in Illinois and Indiana.

7. Three Strands

This support network encompasses the relationship between birth mom, the child, and the adoptive mom. From their website: “No BirthMom leaves the hospital without a community of support that will honor her choice, help her heal and equip her with resources that will launch her forward with great promise for the future.” Three Strands celebrates the heroic gesture of the birth mom to put the needs of her child before her own, and recognizes the immense need for support through that. Three Strands brings each birth mom a bag filled with over $250 worth of various items meant to aid the birth mom out the door of the hospital following delivery. Along with the bag will come some supporters from Three Strands to join with the birth mom to offer their support.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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Being a birth mom is not an easy position to be in. It takes a lot of love, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of heartache to place a child for adoption. Many birth moms live with the secret of placing their child for adoption; they don’t talk about it for the pain it causes them or for the stigma that can be attached to the title of birth mom. There are however, some celebrity birth moms who are brave enough to bare the scrutiny and judgement that occurs when they share that they are indeed a birth mom and they advocate for adoption. It takes great bravery and strength. Here are a few of those famous birth moms who had tremendous courage to share their story of placing a child for adoption.

Catelynn Baltierra

She was on MTV’s 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. She and her boyfriend at the time (now husband) Tyler, had a baby when Catelynn was just a junior in high school. Their parents didn’t want them to place their baby for adoption, but as the show documented, the young couple pursued adoption and placed their daughter with a loving adoptive couple in May 2009. Since then the couple has even written a book together, Conquering Chaos, which describes their raw thoughts and feelings regarding the adoption of their daughter Carly.

Rosanne Barr

She was the star of the sitcom Rosanne. In her late teens she had a car accident which left her with a head injury and because of that, she was in a mental institution for just under a year. Shortly after that experience, she gave birth to her daughter, Brandi, whom she placed for adoption. She and her daughter were reunited many years later.

Joni Mitchell

When the singer was younger, about 20 years old, she gave birth to a daughter. Being a struggling musician at the time, she didn’t feel she could provide for her daughter. It was said that she wanted to find a way to stay with her daughter, but she decided to make the best choice she could for her daughter and place her for adoption. She has since been reunited with her daughter and has an ongoing relationship with her. 

Kate Mulgrew

This famous actress on “Orange is the new Black” is also a birth mother. When she was 22, she gave birth to a daughter, whom she placed for adoption. She has even written a memoir, Born with Teeth, about her experience as a birth mother placing her daughter for adoption.

Mercedes Ruehl

A famous actress who has appeared on numerous shows (The Fisher King, Power) and has won multiple awards (Oscar, Golden Globe) is also a birth mother. She gave birth to a son, Christopher, when she was 28 years old and placed him for adoption. She has since been reunited with her son (when he was 21 years old) and he is now the godfather to his half-brother, her second son, Jake (who is adopted).

These famous, courageous, and brave women have stepped out of the shadows of their personal lives and faced the media when they shared their stories as birth mothers who placed their children for adoption. Their children have been blessed by adoption and have also been blessed to know their birth mothers as well. These women prove that adoption can be a beautiful thing and can be a blessing to all involved, despite how painful it can be for a birth mother to have to say goodbye for a time. As Skye Hardwick puts it:

“A birth mother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart.” – Skye Hardwick

These famous women have done that and their stories will hopefully encourage others too, especially those who are facing an unplanned pregnancy.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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Not all birthmothers are 16.

I have friends who adopted the sweetest baby and their birth mother was in her early 40’s. Not every woman that seeks to surrender her child to adoption is on MTV and still in her teens. Every adoption story is different, and life sometimes finds all of us in circumstances or situations that we never anticipated–isn’t that life?!

No, she doesn’t do drugs.

Just. Stop. I remember looking at the person who asked me this incredulously. Why is being an unwed, pregnant mother synonymous with many negative words, and behaviors? I have become involved in the adoption community and while this may be the story for some birth mothers, it has been the story I’ve heard of resounding few.

She didn’t sleep around.

The reasons why a birth mother chooses to surrender their child for adoption are very complex.  We know of couples that have adopted a child from a couple that is in a committed relationship; some even married to one another. The stories are as varied as they are personal. Some may feel they don’t have enough to give a child or an additional child. It’s complicated, it’s personal, it’s hard. Birth mothers may have many in their lives judging them… hopefully, the adoptive parents aren’t part of that crowd. 

She’s smart.

She’s also brave. She sought out the resources to find adoptive parents for her baby and she followed it through. I recall the sting when an acquaintance quipped about birth control and being fertile. Having known I just gone through infertility myself, I knew she was only trying to relate, but it stung. I also don’t think she thought about what she was implying: (1) That birth mothers are not smart enough to use contraception, and (2) if she had and circumstances were different, I wouldn’t have my daughter. 

She did love this child.

…which is why she chose adoption. She did have another choice. I always remember that. And near or far, involved or no contact, she is part of our story–our village.

Not all birth mothers are poor.

This is a common narrative about birth mothers is that they are poor and cannot care for a child financially. While finances may be a challenge for many birth mothers, it’s just not that simple. I imagine that there are so many factors which have led to consider adoption, just as there are many decisions which led this woman to think about placing this child with another family.

And one more thing…

It’s pretty common for those around us to say how “lucky” our daughter is and that we “gave her a better life.” Last time I checked, I don’t ride a horse, or wear armor. We didn’t save our daughter, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. We are the lucky ones. We have nothing but deep, revered respect for our birth mother. She is a wonderful person who made a selfless and loving decision–and likely, one of the hardest of her life, and one that completely changed ours.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs. 

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Adoptive Parents

Searching for a loving family to place your child with? Don’t just go to the local newspaper to search for people to adopt your child. You won’t know if it is legitimate. Go to a legitimate source to find a couple to adopt your child, like Adoption.com.

As you go through the profiles, consider the location, values, and lifestyles of the prospective adoptive parents. Ask yourself, “Is this the type of family that I would like to raise my child?” Make a list of your top 10, then narrow it down from there. An adoption agency can help you to make a connection.

Adoption Agencies

An adoption agency is a place that can help you to find a loving home for your child. They can be the go-between for you and the adoptive family. You can limit the amount of information that the adoption agency gives to prospective adoptive families if you are concerned about confidentiality. Or they can set up a time and place to meet should you choose an open adoption. Making a good match for your child with a good, loving family is the key. If you would like to contact a reputable adoption agency, click here.

Attorneys

This is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Make it legal. Find a reputable attorney that specializes in adoption and custody cases. An adoption agency can also assist you in finding a lawyer. An attorney will protect your rights and make sure the legal process is followed correctly. Your attorney will present your needs and wants to the adoptive family and to a judge, who will review the case and make a decision. 

Termination of Parental Rights

Termination of parental rights (TPR) is one of the things that an attorney will work on. TPR is the legal process through which a biological parent’s custodial and legal rights end and the adoptive parent’s rights begin. This means that the adoptive parents will now make legal, medical, and life choices for the child. This is a big decision and once the judge signs an adoption order, the birth parents’ part in the child’s life comes to an end. That does not mean that open adoption is not an option, though you won’t have any legal rights after TPR.

Adoption Agreements

An adoption agreement is a legal document, worked on by birth parents and adoptive parents, and signed by a judge in an open adoption. Birth parents are still involved in their child’s life in an open adoption. The adoption agreement outlines when, where, and by what means the contact is to take place between the child and the birth parents. For example, contact may be as simple as Christmas cards, once per year, with a photo of the child. Or contact can be as intense as phone calls once per month and supervised visits once per quarter. In some states, adoption agreements are enforceable, in others, they are not. The idea behind adoption agreements is that every child has the right to have a connection to their past. Everything that is done, is in the best interest of the child.

Choosing to place your child for adoption is one of the most loving things you can do for your child. It takes courage, planning, and humility.  Keep in mind, you are not “giving up,” you are planning a for your child. Your child will be thankful years later!

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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It is important that the world become educated on the correct language to use in adoption situations. Not only is “giving a child up” far from the truth, but also incredibly disheartening and not often reflective of the heart of adoption. A birth mother should say “placed” instead of “given up” as it is more than likely that she placed her child out of love and a desire to keep him or her, though not possible. Birth mothers rarely just “give their child up” from a place of not wanting the child, but rather wishing things could be different. 

Regardless of circumstance, children are not “given up.”

Saying given up for adoption instead of placed also implies that a child was unwanted and without worth. While birth mothers do place because they do not feel prepared for a child, this does not diminish a child’s worth. When a birth mother states she “gave up” a child implies that the child deserved or was only worth plan B. The child is typically placed with a family due to the love and desire of both sides.

A birth mother should say “placed” instead of “given up” simply because “placed” comes from a place of truth. Regardless of circumstance, children are not “given up.” Adoption is about love and that fact that every child belongs to a family. Even if the adoption is closed or there are tragic circumstances surrounding the placement, “given up” holds the connotation that a child was part of a transaction and strips them of their dignity. The child was placed with their family, not from a place of charity, but a place of love and extreme worth.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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