Placing baby R is by far the most important thing I have ever done. Bringing her into this world changed everything for me. Everything that I am has been influenced by my adoption journey. Here are some of the main things that are different in my life since I placed a child for adoption.
- Bittersweet Feelings
The hurt from placing little R will never go away completely. Nothing can change the fact that placing was a huge loss for me. It broke my heart into a million pieces, and I miss her every day. But I know I did the right thing for her. I am lucky to have a wonderful open adoption, so I get to see her thriving and happy. The love I feel for her and the happiness I feel every time I get to hug her and play with her far outweighs the hurt.
My adoption journey totally changed my perspective on life. Placing meant a total paradigm shift. It wasn’t about me anymore. Everything I did became about doing the right thing for my unborn baby, not myself. Ever since then, I have been able to be much less self-centered than I once was. I spend much more time thinking about others, and less time thinking about myself. I’ve never been happier. I believe that I have become a much more loving, giving person because of the choice I made to place little R for adoption.
Because my story is so complicated, and because I have been through so much pain, I can connect with others in a way I never could before. I can more easily relate to people feeling all types of grief, and I know how to help them better. I can form very deep relationships with others because I can truly empathize and love them.
I can form great relationships, but sometimes it takes me a while to get there. I love little R with all my heart, and I lost her. It was my choice, but it was still a loss. Sometimes I get scared to let people in. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and I don’t ever want to hurt like I did the day I said goodbye to my baby. Loving and trusting takes more time than it used to.
If I can get through the way people treat me because I got pregnant as a teen, the physical pain of labor and delivery, and the emotional anguish that comes with saying goodbye to your baby, I can do anything. I did everything I could for her, and I’m proud of that. It took a lot for me to find the strength to give her what she needed. Now I am able to use that strength to make my life, and the lives of others, better.
Placing my child for adoption was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was also the best thing I’ve ever done. Despite all of the hardship, I wouldn’t trade my experience for the world. My life is so different than it was before. I am so much stronger and more mature than I once was. Placing has changed my life for the better.