10

I Love My Child. No Matter What.

Little R, my birth daughter, is the most loved little girl I have ever met. She has a wonderful adoptive family who watched, waited, and prayed for her for years. She has her daddy and big brother wrapped around her finger who love her. Her mama who loves and adores her with all her heart. And she has me, her birth mother. From the moment I knew I was carrying her, I loved her. Anyone who dares to think that my decision to place her for adoption was because I didn’t want her is wrong.

I gave her all that my little teenage self could give her. I cut people out of my life to keep her safe. I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy, including spending a great deal of my meager income to pay for medical care. I sacrificed my body, that will never be the same. I found her a home that could give her the stability I couldn’t. It crushed me. But I would make these sacrifices over and over again if I had to, because I love her.

I love her with a ferocity that no one but a mama bear can understand. I made the decision to place in order to protect her. Because I have an open adoption, I will always be a part of her life, and you can bet that I will always watch over her. I will do everything I can to to help her through every question she has about her story, every boy who breaks her heart, every failure, every pain that she may feel. I sacrificed my own wants to give her a better shot at happiness. I would die for her. 

Everything I do is for her. I give my all every day to be a good role model. That meant I had to change my whole life around. It was tough, but I did it anyway. I want to show her that no matter what, she can do hard things. Since giving birth to her as a teen, I have fought through the grief and postpartum depression and gone on to college. I am almost finished with my undergraduate and will complete my master’s degree shortly thereafter. I have had to be strong and fight through hard times. She is my inspiration. All I want is to make her proud.

No matter what happens, I will love her. Even when I marry and have children that I parent, I will love her. Even if I move far away, I’ll find a way to see her because I love her. Even if she desires less contact as she grows older, I will love her from a distance. Even though countless people believe that I abandoned her, I know that I placed because I love her.

I loved every moment of my pregnancy, it was such a privilege to carry her beautiful soul. She brought to my life a new level of love that I had never known before, and now I can share that love with those around me. From the time when she was just two pink lines on a stick, to the precocious little girl she is now, I have loved her. I always will. No matter what.