1. Bittersweet Feelings

The hurt from placing little R will never go away completely. Nothing can change the fact that placing was a huge loss for me. It broke my heart into a million pieces, and I miss her every day. But I know I did the right thing for her. I am lucky to have a wonderful open adoption, so I get to see her thriving and happy. The love I feel for her and the happiness I feel every time I get to hug her and play with her far outweighs the hurt.

2. Perspective

My adoption journey totally changed my perspective on life. Placing meant a total paradigm shift. It wasn’t about me anymore. Everything I did became about doing the right thing for my unborn baby, not myself. Ever since then, I have been able to be much less self-centered than I once was. I spend much more time thinking about others, and less time thinking about myself. I’ve never been happier. I believe that I have become a much more loving, giving person because of the choice I made to place little R for adoption. 

3. Empathy

Because my story is so complicated, and because I have been through so much pain, I can connect with others in a way I never could before. I can more easily relate to people feeling all types of grief, and I know how to help them better. I can form very deep relationships with others because I can truly empathize and love them.

4. Fear

I can form great relationships, but sometimes it takes me a while to get there. I love little R with all my heart, and I lost her. It was my choice, but it was still a loss. Sometimes I get scared to let people in. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and I don’t ever want to hurt like I did the day I said goodbye to my baby. Loving and trusting takes more time than it used to.

5. Strength

If I can get through the way people treat me because I got pregnant as a teen, the physical pain of labor and delivery, and the emotional anguish that comes with saying goodbye to your baby, I can do anything. I did everything I could for her, and I’m proud of that. It took a lot for me to find the strength to give her what she needed. Now I am able to use that strength to make my life, and the lives of others, better.

Placing my child for adoption was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was also the best thing I’ve ever done. Despite all of the hardship, I wouldn’t trade my experience for the world. My life is so different than it was before. I am so much stronger and more mature than I once was. Placing has changed my life for the better.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post Things That Are Different After Placing Your Child for Adoption appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

1. Meeting My Daughter

When I delivered little R, she wasn’t my birth daughter yet. Until I signed the adoption papers, she was just my daughter. When they placed her on my chest right after delivery, I learned what a mother’s love feels like. I didn’t know I could love anyone so deeply and unconditionally. That red, wrinkly, screaming baby girl had my heart, and she always will.

2. Relinquishing My Rights

Two days after I delivered, I signed papers that terminated my parental rights. The wording was cruel, legal, and without emotion. How could I sign a piece of paper saying that I no longer had any interest in the custody of my child? I placed because I had all the interest in the world. My heart was torn out with the stroke of a pen. 

3. Placement

When I placed little R into the arms of her new mother, I was experienced incomprehensible emotions. On one hand, I was overjoyed for this beautiful family that I helped to create. Her new parents were so happy, they had wished for so long to be parents. On the other hand, I hurt for me. Their gain was my loss, and feeling all those emotions at once was completely overwhelming. 

4. Christmas

Things were hard for a long time after I delivered and placed my birth daughter. Some days I still don’t know how I manage the grief. But there are bright, shining moments in my adoption journey that make everything worth it. Last Christmas I was able to visit little R and her family. She is old enough now to remember me, and we have formed a beautiful friendship. She ran to me, asking to be held. We played together all evening with the paper dolls I made her. We shared cheesecake and snuggled and laughed. I saw how much she was loved by her parents and older brother. I know she is where she was meant to be, and I am so blessed to be a part of their family.

Adoption has shattered me in the most exquisite way. The deep pain coupled with immense joy is quite often more than I can process. But it’s worth it. I wouldn’t change the joy–or the grief. It has made me who I am today, and I will forever be grateful for this experience.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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Your pregnancy is not shameful.

People will act like your pregnancy should be a secret. They will shame you, talk badly behind your back, and to your face. Sure, maybe you didn’t make the most responsible choices leading up to your pregnancy. But the baby, in and of themselves, is nothing to be ashamed of. Children are something to be celebrated, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t a true friend.

Placing will not make you a bad mom.

When I first became pregnant, I was dead set on parenting. I didn’t want anyone to tell me I couldn’t do it. I was going to be the best mom ever, I didn’t care how young I was. Eventually, I had to consider my circumstances. I didn’t have an education or a steady income, I didn’t have a stable relationship with the birth father, and I hadn’t finished growing up. Those things did NOT make me a bad mom. In my situation, being a good mom meant finding her someone who could give her all the things I couldn’t. It was my circumstances, not who I was as a person, that made placing the right choice for me. 

This is YOUR choice.

The decision to place or parent your child is yours alone. Not your parents, not your friends, not any potential adoptive parents. You are the only one who can truly know what is best for you and your baby. If you place (or parent) just because you feel pressured, you will regret it. Do what you feel good about, regardless of what anyone else says.

It won’t be easy.

Placing my baby for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her with all my heart, and I miss her every day. I couldn’t just place her and forget about her. I struggled with grief for a very long time, and I think I always will to some extent. With unplanned pregnancy, any choice you make will be hard. There’s no easy way out of this one.

It will be okay.

Did placing hurt? Yes. But did it break me? No. Placing my baby for adoption made me strong. I am blessed to have lots of contact with her and her family, and that makes me happy. I am now in my third year of college, and I’m doing well. I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I’m successful. It turned out okay for me, and it will for you too.

If you think adoption might be the best thing for your baby, do it. You are a good parent for doing what you believe to be right for your child, no matter what anyone else says. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me, because I did it–and you can too.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

The post What I Want to Tell Teens Contemplating Adoption appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

1. Pregnancy Resource Center

A pregnancy resource center may be your first stop upon discovering that you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. A trained clinician will be able to offer you a free pregnancy test. A counselor there will listen to your specific needs and will be able to connect you to resources that are available in your area according to your unique situation.

2. Health Care Provider

In addition to offering medical attention that is free and/or budgeted in a way that suits your income level, there are health care providers that can offer specially trained staff that can refer you to adoption agencies or other resources in your area. The staff at a place like this may discuss all the options available with a neutral disposition for one choice or the other. They respect that your choice is very personal for your individual circumstance.

3. WIC

Women, Infants, and Children is a federal program that provides support such as supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk.

4. TANF

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families is also a federal program that will provide support for a pregnant woman in the form of food, shelter, utilities, and expenses other than medical. 

5. Birthmom Buds

One of the most important things you may need as a birth mom is a strong chain of support through people who have gone through similar circumstances. Birthmom Buds is a faith-based organization which will pair participants with another birth mom to share and receive support. If participants choose to attend, Birthmom Buds hosts an annual weekend retreat for participants to relax and enjoy time with one another. Birthmom Buds also sends new birth moms a beautiful care package at the time of adoption as a gesture to help during that emotionally trying time.

6. OYFF

From their website: “On Your Feet Foundation was founded in 2001 by adoptive parents, adoption professionals, and a birth parent who recognized the need for practical help for women who had chosen adoption for their child. “We are a small, nonprofit 501c3 organization that provides personal support to birthparents to help them get ‘back on their feet.’” OYFF offers case management and monetary support to birth parents living in Illinois and Indiana.

7. Three Strands

This support network encompasses the relationship between birth mom, the child, and the adoptive mom. From their website: “No BirthMom leaves the hospital without a community of support that will honor her choice, help her heal and equip her with resources that will launch her forward with great promise for the future.” Three Strands celebrates the heroic gesture of the birth mom to put the needs of her child before her own, and recognizes the immense need for support through that. Three Strands brings each birth mom a bag filled with over $250 worth of various items meant to aid the birth mom out the door of the hospital following delivery. Along with the bag will come some supporters from Three Strands to join with the birth mom to offer their support.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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Adoptive Parents

Searching for a loving family to place your child with? Don’t just go to the local newspaper to search for people to adopt your child. You won’t know if it is legitimate. Go to a legitimate source to find a couple to adopt your child, like Adoption.com.

As you go through the profiles, consider the location, values, and lifestyles of the prospective adoptive parents. Ask yourself, “Is this the type of family that I would like to raise my child?” Make a list of your top 10, then narrow it down from there. An adoption agency can help you to make a connection.

Adoption Agencies

An adoption agency is a place that can help you to find a loving home for your child. They can be the go-between for you and the adoptive family. You can limit the amount of information that the adoption agency gives to prospective adoptive families if you are concerned about confidentiality. Or they can set up a time and place to meet should you choose an open adoption. Making a good match for your child with a good, loving family is the key. If you would like to contact a reputable adoption agency, click here.

Attorneys

This is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Make it legal. Find a reputable attorney that specializes in adoption and custody cases. An adoption agency can also assist you in finding a lawyer. An attorney will protect your rights and make sure the legal process is followed correctly. Your attorney will present your needs and wants to the adoptive family and to a judge, who will review the case and make a decision. 

Termination of Parental Rights

Termination of parental rights (TPR) is one of the things that an attorney will work on. TPR is the legal process through which a biological parent’s custodial and legal rights end and the adoptive parent’s rights begin. This means that the adoptive parents will now make legal, medical, and life choices for the child. This is a big decision and once the judge signs an adoption order, the birth parents’ part in the child’s life comes to an end. That does not mean that open adoption is not an option, though you won’t have any legal rights after TPR.

Adoption Agreements

An adoption agreement is a legal document, worked on by birth parents and adoptive parents, and signed by a judge in an open adoption. Birth parents are still involved in their child’s life in an open adoption. The adoption agreement outlines when, where, and by what means the contact is to take place between the child and the birth parents. For example, contact may be as simple as Christmas cards, once per year, with a photo of the child. Or contact can be as intense as phone calls once per month and supervised visits once per quarter. In some states, adoption agreements are enforceable, in others, they are not. The idea behind adoption agreements is that every child has the right to have a connection to their past. Everything that is done, is in the best interest of the child.

Choosing to place your child for adoption is one of the most loving things you can do for your child. It takes courage, planning, and humility.  Keep in mind, you are not “giving up,” you are planning a for your child. Your child will be thankful years later!

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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1. Accept that grief is a natural part of the process.

In the first few months after placing, I just wanted to push through and get past the whole experience. I didn’t “have time” to acknowledge my feelings; I just wanted to be better. Spoiler alert: that’s not how grief works. It is a monster that needs to be tended to before it consumes your “mental village.” I spent my time consumed with depression, guilt, shame, and grief because I didn’t accept that those were the feelings I should be having. Understanding that you aren’t going to be okay, and that you shouldn’t be expected to be okay, are important.

2. Talk to a counselor.

Accepting that you are grieving goes hand in hand with talking about it. While talking to friends and family is good, talking with a counselor or therapist, someone paid to be unbiased and honest, is a great step to dealing with your grief. It may not be easy to find a counselor you connect with at first; it took me about two years and three different people before I found the counselor that made sense for me. While I’m always apprehensive about being vulnerable and dealing with feelings I’m uncomfortable with, once I start opening up to him, I can see things more clearly and tend to feel better.

3. Practice self-care.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I’m sure you have heard this saying before. But the truth of the matter is, when you are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, you don’t have a lot to offer to yourself, let alone other people in your life. Taking time to relax, release, and replenish your good vibes should always be important to your life, but especially crucial when dealing with your grief. Some suggestions of things to do are: take a bath with lots of bubbles or salt, go on a walk in a pretty place, read a new book, create art, binge-watch a new show on Netflix. The list is endless, but make sure it is positive for your health rather than risky.

4. Find your tribe.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was finding a group of people who understood what I was going through and could offer genuine sympathy. I found lifelong friends first in an online birth mother support group, and then met with them in real life for pizza and some healing retreats. Finding my tribe has given me a support network to reach out to when I’m feeling low, when I have a question, when I want a laugh. Look to surround yourself with the people who are going to boost you up rather than bring you down.

I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with the grief associated with placing my son for adoption. Birth mother grief doesn’t go away. I learn new things all the time and continue to improve upon what I know in order to be the best me. While I’m certainly no expert, I hope my tips on dealing with birth mother grief find you in your time of need and help you in some way.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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Where did that leave me? No way to support myself or a baby. No support from baby daddy or family. No insurance for health care for baby.

Friends suggested abortion. Although not very religious at the time, I immediately felt there was life within me and discarded the suggestion immediately.

I never felt anything about being pregnant except maybe panic. I only knew I had to come up with a solution to a situation and move toward the solution.

Somewhere I found an 800 number to talk about adoption. It turned out to be the 800 number for the Edna Gladney Home in Fort Worth. I spoke with a birth mother who talked about how families were chosen. I could even give guidelines on what kind of family I wanted the baby to have. I would have good health care during my pregnancy, and I would have a place to live. This seemed to meet all my most basic needs at the time.

Being a Birth Mother….

Looking back, I think there was some divine guidance in finding the solution I did. I did not abandon my baby. I provided for him in the best way I could possibly do at the time. I also had time and support to find and work through the emotions that come with such a big decision.

When the day came to relinquish my rights–to sign the papers that would take this little boy I had just held and give him to some other woman–I was sad. I was also calm and sure that I was doing exactly what was right for him.

If you’d like to read more stories about being a birth mother, click here for a free eBook written by birth mothers. 

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

The post Why Being A Birth Mother Was Right For Me appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

1. Never be afraid to share your story.

When I first found out I was pregnant and considering adoption, I harbored it like a secret. The shame and guilt of treating it as such almost ate me alive. As time went on, I started to open up about my son and his adoption and relief seemed to pour into my soul. While you don’t owe your story to anybody, you should never be afraid to share it. It is your truth, and in my case, my truth set me free in a sense.

2. Not everyone will understand your decision and that’s okay.

Adoption is a complex thing to deal with. There are many people in this world that have a bad view or understanding of it. But the thing to remember is that you made a decision for you and for your child, not for your mother or your next door neighbor or your co-worker. You made the best decision you could, and the only people it has to make sense to are the people involved. So brush off anyone who wants to hurt or upset you; they aren’t worth your time.

3. Find your tribe and lean on them hard.

While I was pregnant, I sought out birth mom groups on Facebook, hoping to find people who understood how I was feeling and could help me on my path. While not everyone I met was a friend, I found a group of people that became my friends. I met them in-person two months after placing, and a few retreats and pizza meet-ups later, I knew that I had found my tribe. I have a group of people that I can lean on and know that I will be supported through anything. Community is so important, especially when dealing with post-placement. Find the people that get you and replenish your soul.

4. You will have bad days.

Placing a child for adoption is far from sunshine and rainbows. There are times it downright sucks. You will have bad days, mad days, sad days, a whole range of emotions and grief. But, a day is only 24 hours. It doesn’t last forever; it will pass. In the meantime, practice self-care. Learn the things that can make you feel better in the short-term, like taking a bath, doing your nails, journaling, talking on the phone with friends. The list is endless, but especially on the bad days, you need to make sure that your “cup” is not empty.

5. Don’t be afraid of loving the child you placed.

Dealing with the feelings of being a birth mom can be difficult and confusing. You may feel that you should try to “get over your child” or push the thought of them away. Don’t be afraid of loving the child you placed. Because of the fact that you love them, you agonized over how to take care of them and what decisions to make for their future. Love does not have to have a limit because of your adoption plan. While it can be scary, love that child fiercely with all your heart.

Adoption is a journey, full of lots of lessons to learn. I hope my advice is hopeful to those along the way.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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