1. Accept that grief is a natural part of the process.

In the first few months after placing, I just wanted to push through and get past the whole experience. I didn’t “have time” to acknowledge my feelings; I just wanted to be better. Spoiler alert: that’s not how grief works. It is a monster that needs to be tended to before it consumes your “mental village.” I spent my time consumed with depression, guilt, shame, and grief because I didn’t accept that those were the feelings I should be having. Understanding that you aren’t going to be okay, and that you shouldn’t be expected to be okay, are important.

2. Talk to a counselor.

Accepting that you are grieving goes hand in hand with talking about it. While talking to friends and family is good, talking with a counselor or therapist, someone paid to be unbiased and honest, is a great step to dealing with your grief. It may not be easy to find a counselor you connect with at first; it took me about two years and three different people before I found the counselor that made sense for me. While I’m always apprehensive about being vulnerable and dealing with feelings I’m uncomfortable with, once I start opening up to him, I can see things more clearly and tend to feel better.

3. Practice self-care.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I’m sure you have heard this saying before. But the truth of the matter is, when you are physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, you don’t have a lot to offer to yourself, let alone other people in your life. Taking time to relax, release, and replenish your good vibes should always be important to your life, but especially crucial when dealing with your grief. Some suggestions of things to do are: take a bath with lots of bubbles or salt, go on a walk in a pretty place, read a new book, create art, binge-watch a new show on Netflix. The list is endless, but make sure it is positive for your health rather than risky.

4. Find your tribe.

One of the best things I ever did for myself was finding a group of people who understood what I was going through and could offer genuine sympathy. I found lifelong friends first in an online birth mother support group, and then met with them in real life for pizza and some healing retreats. Finding my tribe has given me a support network to reach out to when I’m feeling low, when I have a question, when I want a laugh. Look to surround yourself with the people who are going to boost you up rather than bring you down.

I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with the grief associated with placing my son for adoption. Birth mother grief doesn’t go away. I learn new things all the time and continue to improve upon what I know in order to be the best me. While I’m certainly no expert, I hope my tips on dealing with birth mother grief find you in your time of need and help you in some way.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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Find a match in someone you would want to be friends with.

When choosing adoptive parents for my son, it was important to me to find people that I could carry on a conversation with, who I shared similar interests with, and who wouldn’t consider me a “burden” to share an open adoption with. I was lucky to find all that and more. There was no doubt to me that we were a match when we agreed upon important things like vaccines, but as I got to know them more as people, it was apparent to me that placing my son with them would create a special relationship for me as well. Don’t be afraid to find a hopeful adoptive couple you click with to set the stage for a relationship.

Suggest a plan that allows for the ebb and flow of life.

It is no secret that things and people change as time goes on, but especially in adoption, it is important to be open to going with the flow. For instance, when my son was born we lived in the same county as his adoptive family. When he was about six months old, they had an opportunity to move to a better region four hours away. In those first six months we were able to get together with little to no notice as it was just driving across town, so it took some adjusting on both of our parts to arrange for visits after their move. Thankfully, we make it work with a little planning and a lot of discussion.

Be respectful and honest, even when it is tough.

One thing I’ve always found myself proud of within our open adoption is the level of respect and honesty we show toward each other. Adoption is an emotional experience for all involved. It can be difficult to be vulnerable, especially toward the person who has either placed their child with you or who you placed your child with. Something to remember though is that we are all human. We make errors in judgment and learn from things as time goes on. But at the base of the relationship should be respect and truth; because without those, a relationship doesn’t have a stable foundation.

Remember who the relationship is for: the child.

Above all else, the child is the reason for the relationship, and it’s best for all involved to work toward a healthy relationship. Sometimes may be trying, and no one is perfect. But if everyone does their best to love each other with an open accepting heart, the child will be raised to do the same.

While I may still be considered “new” to adoption by some (my child is less than 3 years old), having a great open adoption has done wonders for my life and my healing post-placement. It has made me vocal in the adoption community because I feel empowered rather than diminished by grief. It may not always be easy, and I may still have a lot to learn, but having an open adoption with my child’s adoptive parents has been worthwhile and I am excited to see where the future leads us.

Are you considering adoption and want to give your child the best life possible? Let us help you find an adoptive family that you love. Visit PregnancyHotline.org or call 1-800-GLADNEY. 

The post How To Have A Great Open Adoption With Your Child’s Adoptive Parents appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.

1. Never be afraid to share your story.

When I first found out I was pregnant and considering adoption, I harbored it like a secret. The shame and guilt of treating it as such almost ate me alive. As time went on, I started to open up about my son and his adoption and relief seemed to pour into my soul. While you don’t owe your story to anybody, you should never be afraid to share it. It is your truth, and in my case, my truth set me free in a sense.

2. Not everyone will understand your decision and that’s okay.

Adoption is a complex thing to deal with. There are many people in this world that have a bad view or understanding of it. But the thing to remember is that you made a decision for you and for your child, not for your mother or your next door neighbor or your co-worker. You made the best decision you could, and the only people it has to make sense to are the people involved. So brush off anyone who wants to hurt or upset you; they aren’t worth your time.

3. Find your tribe and lean on them hard.

While I was pregnant, I sought out birth mom groups on Facebook, hoping to find people who understood how I was feeling and could help me on my path. While not everyone I met was a friend, I found a group of people that became my friends. I met them in-person two months after placing, and a few retreats and pizza meet-ups later, I knew that I had found my tribe. I have a group of people that I can lean on and know that I will be supported through anything. Community is so important, especially when dealing with post-placement. Find the people that get you and replenish your soul.

4. You will have bad days.

Placing a child for adoption is far from sunshine and rainbows. There are times it downright sucks. You will have bad days, mad days, sad days, a whole range of emotions and grief. But, a day is only 24 hours. It doesn’t last forever; it will pass. In the meantime, practice self-care. Learn the things that can make you feel better in the short-term, like taking a bath, doing your nails, journaling, talking on the phone with friends. The list is endless, but especially on the bad days, you need to make sure that your “cup” is not empty.

5. Don’t be afraid of loving the child you placed.

Dealing with the feelings of being a birth mom can be difficult and confusing. You may feel that you should try to “get over your child” or push the thought of them away. Don’t be afraid of loving the child you placed. Because of the fact that you love them, you agonized over how to take care of them and what decisions to make for their future. Love does not have to have a limit because of your adoption plan. While it can be scary, love that child fiercely with all your heart.

Adoption is a journey, full of lots of lessons to learn. I hope my advice is hopeful to those along the way.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

The post 5 Pieces Of Advice For Every Birth Mom appeared first on Birthmother.com | Birth Mom Pre - Post, Rights, Quotes, Search.